I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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