mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
