Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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