After last night, I could never be a politician.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
