He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
