I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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