Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
