he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize
