so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
