If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
