Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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