I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
