theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
