Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
