guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
