i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
