Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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