so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My vagina is officially offended.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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