so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
