Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
