Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
