I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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