I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
