Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
