some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
