dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Randomize
