i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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