I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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