Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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