my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
