1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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