in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
