Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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