i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
