hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
