i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
This baby is an asshole
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
