speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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