I need to stop coming to work sober
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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