I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
