dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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