so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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