Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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