I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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