My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
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