What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
