I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
