Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
