I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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