I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
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