I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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